Shopping Fun!

I got some vouchers, for a well known store with a image of being expensive and full of snooty shoppers. I decided I would use said vouchers to get S some much needed new clothes. I know from past experience she is more likely to wear clothes if she gets she choose them. I also knew a shopping trip would be hard work, however I decided preparation, incentives, 1:1 and only having to got to 1 shop could be managed.

I started preparing S a few days before that we would go into town, just the two of us and pick her some new clothes and she could pick what she likes. Friday morning I told her we would go do the clothes shop after lunch, S always copes better when not hungry. I told her that after we had finished she could have an ice cream this seemed to excite her. We left her sister at home with her Daddy and set off for town, with S's playlist of favorite songs playing in the car; Pink, Drowning Pool, Foo fighters, Black Label Society, you know the usual! We got from the car to the shop with very little comotion, a few wobbles over cars in the carpark moving, demands to sit on rides (not that she will let me put money in them) and an ice cream van distracted her a little. I made sure I didn't promise one from that very van just in case they went on a break or something.
As we got to the shop I told her we were going in and that we were going to get clothes and nothing else. I took a deep breath and told myself 'Ignore the snooty looks, you will get them. Just concentrate on keeping S's stress as low as possible.' She didn't like anything in the girls section but as soon as we ventured into boys clothes she was in her element, blues and reds, a dinosaur top, a Thomas hoody. I let her pick clothes she liked and feel them all. She kept running around the rails but always came back when I started to count. Once I found her hiding between 2 rails of clothes and laughed so loudly. The security was watching us so I made a point of asking where the changing rooms were, he got really flustered. I knew changing room would not be easy but I wasn't going to go without trying a few clothes on S as she has a tiny waist usually clothes that fit in the leg are too big around the waist.
In the changing room S blew lots of raspberries, screeched and ended up laying on the floor. We managed to try on 2 tops and two pairs of jeans which I think was a huge victory. We then headed for the tills. There was only about 3 people in front of us but the two women at the tills were working painfully slowly. I was aware I only had about 5 minutes left to get back to the car so would have to stop off for ice cream on the way home. S started asking
'Can we go home?' 
'Yes, as soon as we have paid'. 
'Can we get ice cream from the van?' 
'No baby we'll get it from a shop on way home. Need to get car.' 
'I want it from van'
'We have to get car or mummy will get a ticket.' 
Then she started touching every gift card on a display and screeching. I asked her to stop and then she asked again, 'Can we go home?...Can we get ice cream now? From the Van?' After that she touched the cards again and when asked not to she groaned and then started to sing 'I wanna buy your house. I wanna, I wanna buy your house riiiiiiiiiiiight now.' The woman in front turned and gave a snotty look so I smiled at my daughter and said 'Oh I love you S, you are so funny. Look it's nearly our turn.' Luckily both tills cleared almost right after that. Spying a nice wide space next to our till I told S she could spin there (something she has just started doing again) while I paid, this won me a huge smile from her.
The walk back through town was painful. I was aware I was already late for my parking but could not rush S. I made the mistake of saying 'quickly' once and she just rooted to the spot. I still do not understand why when rushed S just refuses to move but I do know that once she has it takes a lot of persuading to move her again and heaven forbid I should lightly touch her in an attempt to do so. As soon as I heard 'I can't go fast. You carry me.' I knew I had no choice than to pick her up. Now S is almost 5 and of average height she is very slim and doesn't weigh much but neither do I and lugging 1/3 of my body weight along with my large handbag and a bag full of clothes is no easy feat. However if I didn't I would have taken at least 5 minutes to get her walking again. I have to pick my battles and prepare to avoid them in the future (longer on parking next time). As we passed the ice cream van again she started asking for her promised ice cream luckily this once she accepted that I couldn't get a ticket so we'd get an ice cream after the car. Half way to the car I had to put her down and she walked well next to me at a steady, un-rushed pace. The whole time she was talking about her ice cream and I lost track of the amount of times I said 'As soon as we have the car we WILL get an ice cream.' I stayed calm and answered her every time. 
Out of the blue a lady smiled at me and said 'What a lovely mummy you are? You are so lucky to have such a lovely mummy. Be a good girl.' I was totally taken aback by this. Having a child like S who is very loud and often misconceived as 'naughty' I am just not used to compliments on my parenting skills. I'm used to tuts and disapproving looks. I flashed the lady a quick smile and then scooped up, an again wavering S, with just a set of traffic lights between us and the carpark. Typically the lights changed as we got to them. As we waited the lady caught up to us. 'I mean it' she said. 'You really are a lovely mummy. I am always seeing mums that shout, scream and hit their kids.' I thanked her and said 'Shouting gets you nowhere' As the lights changed she again said 'You are such a good mummy and you (to S) are a really good girl.' It really touched me and despite being 10 minutes late back to the car I felt a wash of calm. A ticket free windscreen was a very welcome sight. On the way home I asked S where we should get ice cream and she surprised me by asking if we had rocket ice lollies at home and could we just go home and get one. 
15 minutes later she was eating an ice lolly and pointing out where her daddy had missed while waxing his bike, attention to detail one of S's great talents. 

You are NOT Stupid.

I have just had to try to explain to S why she isn't stupid. I just had to remind her to keep her feet to herself and ask her to remember her sister needs her personal space. She got very upset saying 'I'm stupid. I'm stupid.' 'You're not stupid S.' 'I am stupid. You tell me lots, personal space.' Time to have that chat.

I know I can't tell her she has an ASD just yet as she has no diagnosis but scoring 5 on an ADOS test shows she must think differently to others. 

I turned off the music and sent her sister off with a toy and offered S a seat on my lap, facing away from me, as making her look at me would distract her, with her head near me so she could hear me. I told her this. 

'S you are clever. You are not stupid. You are so clever and have a special brain. Sometimes because you are so clever you forget some things. Like when you forget not to touch people. You are clever.' 

We stopped for a hug and I asked her 'Are you stupid?' She paused for a moment then said 'no mummy, but I forget.' She did her usual over exaggerated sad face. 

'Mummy sometimes forget things. Do you remember when I went to get you a drink from the kitchen?' Yes ' I came back in without it didn't I?' Yes.'that is because I did something else and my brain forgot about your drink. Your brain is so busy being clever it forgets things like mummy did. Mummy is not stupid is she?' 

We agreed that we are both clever and I confirmed again with her that she is not stupid. 

I really hope that telling her every day that she is clever I can start to break down this mind set that she is stupid. If I can install this into her maybe she will be able to believe in herself, it's the one thing I feel is most important in life. 

All Wrapped up in Dinosaurs.

Last night I sat and wrapped some of S's birthday presents; A dinosaur book,  a dinosaur toy, a marble run, a slinky, rocket balloons, dinosaur Russian dolls, a liquid timer, a flashing foam baton, a gigglestick, a stretchy key chain, a dinosaur leapster game and a foaming dinosaur egg. All wrapped up in dinosaur wrapping paper. Once all the paper was gone I sat back and looked at the pile of presents in front of me and started to cry.

Why was I crying? For a few moments I am not sure I knew why. Then lots of unwanted thoughts came into my mind; 'These are not real toys!...Should I have got her all this dinosaur stuff?...Why am I wrapping it in dinosaur wrap? She's not a boy. ...This is not what I imagined I'd be buying my 5 year old daughter. ... What do normal 5 year old girls even play with or want for their birthday?'
It doesn't matter though does it? S loves dinosaurs and S doesn't enjoy 'real toys'. My daughter is a very unique little girl and I am proud she doesn't conform to what everyone else feels is 'normal.' I think the roller-coaster that is realising your child is on the spectrum has taken a new turn.

I've ridden the up of realising someone else feels my daughters behaviour is not my bad parenting. The down of others judging her, the up of maybe finding an answer that seems to fit, that the more I read made more sense. The down of long waits the up of getting appointment that's going to give me an answer then I soared down when that appointment didn't give us the answers, and left us feeling so confused and lost. I started to climb again as I found my strength to fight for the diagnosis she needs, to get a second opinion with someone who seems to be asking the right questions, who doesn't belittle my opinion on my daughter. Finally S's school are saying what they have been denying for months. You reach the top though, and you have to come back down. 
Suddenly seeing boxes ticked that say my daughter is 'a burden' on her teacher and classroom, that her behaviour effects her relationship with her peers and that the school feel they have run out of effective strategies. I know all these things I know she has 'difficulty sharing' and makes 'inappropriate verbal and physical contact.' with other children and can be 'very rude when reprimanded for behaviour.' To finally see all these things written down alongside boxes ticked that say she is 'Angry and resentful' and 'unhappy, sad or depressed' is a hard reality to have to face. Maybe a small part of me was still hoping I was wrong and she could be 'fixed'. Now however I can't deny that her behaviour screams ASD. 
On top of all of this S is now on her summer holidays and her behaviour is becoming really hard to handle she is stimming in ways I haven't seen in a long time (not that I mind stimming it looks like great fun) she is lashing out at her sister, hitting and throwing things at me and lashing out verbally. I know that it is just in the moment and that she is trying to express her anger but to hear your, almost 5 year old, daughter tell you she hates you and doesn't want to be in this family and she wants to kill you countless times through the day. Then to see your other child be hurt and your own self attacked is hard going. You have to bite your tongue and learn to not get angry and realise she is reacting to sensations, thoughts and feelings you may never fully understand. 

Being a parent is hard work, especially when your child has additional needs. I will continue to stay strong for her, to try to put all the pieces together to make sense of my daughter so I can embrace her quirks and all. That is what mum's do. So I'll wipe away my tears, love her differences, even wrap them in dinosaur paper.