Find Your Red Ball

A few days ago I overheard S talking to her nan. 'I wish I could do things like the other children. They do everything easy and I can't.' It broke my heart to hear her talking of herself as less than the other children. I spoke to her nan after S had gone to bed to find out what else had been said. S had been asked about school and the conversation was that S felt different to the other children and that she was frustrated that she couldn't do things other children in her class seemed to do with a lot more ease.

When tying to speak to S I told her Nanny had told me she felt sad about school and that she thought the other children could do things better than her. She simply replied 'yes' and her eyes started to dart around the room for something to distract from the conversation.I told her we had to talk about this and then she can do whatever she wants to. I asked S 'Do you think the other children are better because they can do new things easier.' her eyes dropped and she mumbled 'yes'. My heart was in my mouth but I kept my composure. I began to tell her that everybody has things they find hard and everyone has skills that are easier. I reminded her that her best skill was how many facts she can remember, and that I have never met anyone else with such a fantastic memory as her. I went on to show her that different people have different skills 'Mummy stays home and looks after you and E, while Daddy goes to work. Mummy would not be very good at being a security guard and Daddy wouldn't be as good as Mummy at cooking your meals and getting you ready for school and doing all the other things that Mummy does. When I was at school I was good at Maths but not good at reading and writing. Daddy was not so good at maths but very good at reading and writing. Do you see that Mummy and Daddy both have things they are good at and not so good at?' I went on to ask her if she could think of something she was good at the someone else isn't. She remembered that she had played a bowling game with her sister and was better at it than her. I agreed this was true and her sister even cheated a little.

The mention of bowling made me think and I started to speak again. 'S imagine you are bowling and you see someone throw a pink ball they knock all of the pins down. It's your turn and you decide to try the same pink ball, it feels a bit funny and then you throw it and miss all of the pins. You see a red ball and decide to try that one instead, it feels lots better and you knock every pin over with it. The pink ball is like the things you find hard and you must practice to get better at throwing the pink ball. The red ball is the things you are really good at, your skills. You have to remember that you will find lots of things like a pink ball but you must never forget how well you can do some things throwing  the red ball.

First Playdate.

It appears S may be taking some small steps in the making a friend department. C is a lovely little girl in her class, she seems to see right past her more challenging interactions to the lovely girl we see. I wonder if having an older sibling with AS is what makes C more tolerating of S's less desirable behaviour. Whatever it is I am so grateful that she was put in S's class, and hope that we can coach S in holding on to this one friend.

It all started earlier this year when, close to the end of the school year, C chose S as the one child to invite to her birthday trip to a local soft play. It filled me with so much hope that despite seeing her challenging behaviour and mood swings that one child still wanted to be around S. Despite the fact that after a short while S went off and did her own thing at the soft play C still appeared to enjoy her being there. It was during this time that I had a conversation with C's dad where he told me that when asked to describe S, C had said 'She has glasses and blonde hair and she is little. Oh and she has Autism.' I always found it fascinating that a 5 year old could recognise the traits S displays yet a 'trained' paediatrician fails to see it!
S and C have been asking for a playdate since the beginning of term but one thing or another has gotten in the way. On Wednesday I had just been talking to C's mum about whether or not S should go to the school disco the following day, given that when she goes to parties it's usually that she is drawn in by the party food, yet once there she doesn't want to join in. She just wants to sit and watch the others while climbing all over me or running around away from the activity while screeching. I stood waiting to talk to Mrs W after the class left when C's mum popped her head around the corner and said C didn't want to go to the disco and asked would S like to come around for a play. We accepted the lovely offer and both girls were very excited.
S spoke a lot about going to C's she started to ask me what toys she has, which I told her she was best to ask C the next day. The subject of food was bought up and I promised to ask C's mum the next day. The other thing S kept saying was 'I have never been to C's house. How will I know where it is?' To which I had told her it was very near her aunt's house. The next morning the playdate was again the hot topic of discussion  and I constantly reassured her that if she has any questions to ask me and I will try to find an answer and if while at C's house she felt worried she should go tell C's mum and I was only a text away should she need me to come back. As luck would have it I received a text that morning about food and that was sorted and S told the plan. After breakfast S became very excitable crashing into the sofa/ myself/ daddy. When asked to dress she climbed into bed and hid under her covers giggling and once coached out of there she soon retreated into her hide out (a pop up tent full of her favourite fiddly, squeezable, touchy-feely things). Having not slept very well the night before (thanks to CAMHS cancelling her next assessment, new blog on the way for that one) I could feel my tolerance levels reaching their limits. I know full well that this behaviour is how S exhibits anxiety so I decided to tag daddy in and busy myself elsewhere. On the way to school we talked playdate all the way to the gates where the ritual 'Guess who I am' game started (it usually starts a few steps from the house and of course we are guessing dinosaurs). When returning home daddy says he feels S may be worried about the exact location of C's house.

The end of the day comes and both girls leave the class really excited and it takes a bit of gentle and physical persuasion to get S to not follow C to pick her sibling up. We get home and I show S on Google maps where C's house is in relation to her aunts house and explain there will be a for sale sign outside (small things like that can set her anxiety off). She is then allowed to play on first daddy's and then my phone until it is time to leave. We leave the house and S seems quite relaxed. She keeps repeating a few questions 'So we are having the hot dogs like we got from town? I can talk to C's mum if I am worried can't I? She will text you if I need you to come back?' All the while I reassured her that I would stay for a cup of coffee to make sure she is happy and if at any point she wants to go home she can.
We arrive at C's house and ring the bell C answers and right away both girls ran upstairs. S reappears 20 minutes later with a toy she shows me what it does then goes to run off again. I try to get her to come back so I could talk and she shouts from the stairs 'I can hear you from here.' I go to her and tell her I will be popping home for a while and check that is ok, it is of course and I leave. I left feeling confident it would all go well.
When I return to get her from upstairs the children shout 'S doesn't want to go home.' ' Uh oh' I think 'time for battle of the wills'. After promises to come back another day and C to come to our house soon and the promise of a game on my phone we do manage to leave 15 minutes later. The excuses do amuse me though 'I want to watch their invention (C's sibling) ...I'm too tired to walk downstairs...I need to finish my juice...oh no I left piggle upstairs...I am too tired to go look for him...too tired to put my coat/shoes on/ walk to the car.. I wanted to see one more invention.' Whilst S dilly dallied I spoke to C's mum and it would appear that S did really well. She enjoyed tea and decorating biscuits afterwards (even one for me) then happily went off and played upstairs again. As we left there was a little bit of upset with S giving an unwanted kiss to C which lead to a little conversation in the car 'I am a bit sad I made C cry from my kiss, I only wanted to say bye bye.' Which in hindsight makes sense as S is usually only visiting family and enjoys the ritual of hugging and kissing as we leave, yes my child is very affectionate, however she struggles to understand when it's not appropriate to show affection to others. We're teaching her to ask before she hug/kisses but when she is rebuffed she struggles with how to react. I am sure in time we will get there and have told her, of this experience, 'It's ok. C knows you were just trying to be nice. Next time just try to remember C does not like kisses.'

Today S tells me she played with C again which is 2 days running they have played together my baby maybe just maybe has made a friend. :D