When the Future Seems Terrifying.

I have always been so proud of how intelligent S is. She is one of those children that once you engage with you can see she has the brains to go far. What happens though when something stands in the way of that potential? This is something that is becoming more and more of and ongoing worry for me. S is 5 years old she is in her second year in school. S was following her classmates progress wonderfully and even showing that beautiful intelligence  Just recently though something has stopped that progress. S appears to have just lost the ability to learn.  She clearly has fine motor difficulties and the ever increasing amount of written work is no doubt a great cause for anxiety but this is just one thing among many others, some of which even I as her mother do not fully understand.
S has always been a perfectionist. If she tries something and it isn't perfect she cannot seem to grasp that it is ok. It's not ok in her world, if she didn't do it right she has failed! That is it, a simple right or wrong. S hates to be wrong so increasingly she refuses to try. She is so scared of not meeting her own high standards that she just cannot try. This is so frustrating to everyone around her. This is also where S's intelligence becomes her worst enemy. S at 5 has become the queen of avoidance. She has one strategy that seems to send everyone reeling and leaves a huge group of adults feeling helpless and very worried for what the future holds, if they cannot find away around it. What S does is she simply shuts down. What others may see is a very different picture, it is what is making the fight for diagnosis so much harder. Before I describe what happens I want to say this is a very hard subject to write about because as a mother this is the time I feel completely helpless. I feel helpless because despite knowing that my child is in fight or flight mode (that adrenaline feeling you may get when faced with real danger), despite knowing my child's behaviour is screaming 'I cannot take any more', despite knowing this is nobodies fault and blame and judgement will only worsen things I cannot help but live the negatives. My child is out of control, my child may hurt someone, my child may lose more of her education, my child may stop learning all together, my child is suffering and I do not know how to help her. I am failing my child.

Screaming, repetitive noises, humming, growling, coughing, words that make no sense repeated again and again, giggling, 'I won't do it' 'NO' 'Shut up'. These are just some of the things you may hear. If you were to look you would see is a flash of blonde hair running back and forth, spinning around and around, people and things being crashed into, things being thrown, knocked or pulled down. You may see one or two maybe even 3 people trying to contain this whirlwind. If you watch them closely you will not see anger you will see confusion in the looks passed between them, begging each other for an answer. You may hear the odd few words but they know they cannot bargain because they will not be heard. Once that chaos stops it just stops. There is no slowing down it just stops. All is calm and you may wonder what stopped it, as too will those who were trying to contain it. What you just witnessed is my daughter shutting down. Her ability to function was totally lost, and that is exactly how she copes with the stress of things she cannot control.
That is not a 'naughty girl'. She is not wanting something in particular quite the contrary she just needed something to stop.

Recently it also become apparent S suffers from her senses not working like most and not just the 5 you learn about at school. Her proprioceptive system is not working correctly. You may not have heard that word before so I will explain briefly, a better explanation can be found here, this is the sense of where your body is in relation to the rest of the world. Think of when the dentist numbs your mouth and you poke and prod it because the sensation of numbness really bothers you, this is what S's body is going through a lot of the time. This is why she can't sit still, why she touches things, bounces and spins. She needs to feel her body is there.
Add all of this into the pot and you are left with a child so overwhelmed it is no surprise she becomes this whirlwind.

All of this and still everyone battles to understand her and we struggle to get definitive answers. Answers that could be our passport to help and a little more understanding. While I battle that helpless feeling I have to constantly tell myself that I cannot get bogged down with a multitude of worries. I cannot look to the future with despair tinted glasses, because if I do I will lose the fight. I have to take each day as it comes. Celebrate each little victory and be thankful I got through another day. I shall tonight for the first time go to sleep proud of how strong I have become and how much I have learned. Tell myself I won another battle and not allow myself to be afraid of tomorrow.